My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
