Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize