Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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