I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
