Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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