Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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