he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
