My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
