Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
