I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
