y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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