sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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