Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
