You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
