He asked to "fluff my boner.."
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
