sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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