Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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