Hey man sorry I got all grabby
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
