i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
