Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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