Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize