You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
