around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
