did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
