this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
