she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize