if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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