Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
