: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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