what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
