So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
