Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
