when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
