My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
