I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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