considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
