Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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