really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
