I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
