OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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