Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just high enough for therapy.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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