I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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