My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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