you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
