Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
