went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
