Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
