Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize