Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
please come you make the beer taste better
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
