I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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