my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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