Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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