Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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