If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
