Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
