There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
