i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize