I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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