He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
